Random Rant

I just cannot seem to get a grip on my life these past few days. I’m either wallowing in the dungeons of what the future has in store for me or going down the memory lane feeling nostalgic about all the good times and even the not-so-good times. The present hardly piques my interest. I feel like a sheep let lose in a stable of horses getting ready for a race. It is so frustrating to be confused and indecisive all the time that it sporadically leads to a point of agitation. There is so much of activity in the brain that I sometimes wonder if this is what it feels like to be an anthill. I mean I can’t even decide what I want to get on the menu in a tiny village restaurant which offers seven dishes at best with all the gravies tasting the same, how can I trust myself to know life-altering preferences such as what career pleases me or which B-school I should target. Well, the Ivy League will always be a dream but being a little more pragmatic at this stage never hurts.

Things only seem to get more unrelenting by the year but seemingly more amusing and lively, although whether this tenor plans to continue is yet to be seen. Whoever told me that if I studied a little harder in high school to get into a top-rated graduate university and put in a little more effort in my undergraduate education, at the end of this tunnel everything would be hunky-dory! Not to say that I studied much in high school or put in any effort at all in my undergraduate academics but I presume this is the end of the tunnel everyone talked about and it definitely isn't peachy.

Till now there was always something to look forward to. In school there was a semblance of nonchalance and innocence where everyone came to mingle, partake in compelling nimbleness and have immense fun. It was more like a convivial gathering every day. We hardly ever went to that institution with the intention of crowding our heads around books, well, at least I didn't.  Then again, I was never really an academic kid, although I did manage to get by fairly well with very little travail. College was of course a phenomenal journey, with situations tending to ebb and flow incessantly and various challenges constantly thrown my way. A very treasured experience altogether. There were gazillion things to do unremittingly and an enduring humdrum of festive chit-chat all around.

It wasn't a saddening experience to have graduated from high school though, partly because a major chunk of student life still awaited me and partly because of the scramble to decide on a major to pursue, and most importantly to get accepted in a college people wouldn't look down on and feel sorry for me at the same time. At that point, with all the competition, not being able to make it to a premier undergraduate university did seem like the end of the world, although, looking back or looking toward the future, five years down the line, distinguished university or not, everyone seems to level with each other.

I am still not sure if I succeeded in this endeavor because all through my BITSian life, whenever I was hunting for internships, I was constantly told that the firm only hired IITians. Every firm, whether or not it is a big brand, seemed to be the educational equivalent of racist. On the other hand, through the last five years I met my substantial share of benighted individuals who would wonder aloud if I was sent to study in Rajasthan because I couldn't make it to any college in Delhi or Chennai. A girl who was pursuing MBA from a college in Bhopal even remarked, “haan, aajkal toh Rajasthan mein bhi kaafi engineering colleges khul gaye hain.” I usually don’t know whether to feel angry or laugh at such expositions. Ah, Chennai is a different story altogether. Six years back, just this once, I made the mistake of telling a native and resident of Chennai that Economics deeply interests me and that I would probably like to give Economics Honors a serious thought. This man made it amply clear to me that I had a pea sized brain and that I probably lacked the competence to even make it to a third rate engineering college. At that point I understood the society of Chennai well enough to know not to embark on a serious conversation deviating from their stereotype ever again. I would still continue to come up with revelations every so often just to have a hearty laugh at how these opinions boomerang.

The social savoir faire while graduating from college after nesting there congruously for half a decade was entirely different from the sentiments that followed graduating from high school. It is true when they say that college days are the best days of your life. I am so acclimatized to that life now that I feel extrinsic outside Pilani. To begin with, I feel an acute lack of people around me. Back in college I had to just open the door at the entrance to my room or the door leading to the balcony attached to my room and I would always run into someone or the other I wouldn't mind talking to. Besides, even though everyone was busy in their own way, nobody was ever busy enough to not meet fellow students. I mean existence in Pilani was only about the people there. Notwithstanding the fact that while I was in Pilani I was immutably cribbing about the place and wanted to move back to Delhi, life in the metro is turning out to be a real bitch. Even though I have my fair share of socializing here, the proletariat is forever busy or they claim to be busy even if they are sitting idle. It seems to be the new cool thing to say among the young adults in India. The sacrilegious lifestyle of Pilani is of course another point of contention but that is fairly adjustable.

Overwhelming nostalgia kicked in for a week after I left that village but I guess life does move on to a new phase very quickly. Going for a run, following the sports that I used to play or follow when I was younger, catching up on all the reading I missed out on, dining in exquisite bars and restaurants, lazing around with nothing to do, all seem pretty ideal at the moment, more so because I don’t know what to expect of my job, what with everyone talking about their repugnant bosses, struggling to get through the week and most daunting of all – a schedule so hectic that there is hardly any time to eat, sleep or take on things you like doing the most.